Please Don't Leave Me Mama!

Why is it that kids choose the most crowded places to yell out embarrassing things?  Like Trader Joe's on a Friday afternoon.  What the hell possessed me to be a Trader Joe's on a Friday afternoon is beyond me.  Now here's the thing about Trader Joe's (great grocer by the way)  their carts are small.  Insanely small. This meant Tiny Tot had to walk or ride on the front of the cart.  How in the world is a Mother of 2 or more supposed to shop without strapping her kids down to the cart?  Personally, if I can strap my kids down to something I do.  Not only for their safety, but for my sanity.  Tiny chose to ride on the front of the cart wearing his rat (which is his beautiful baby blanket turned nasty) as a superman cape.  This makes me nervous because the cart is so small that means seat in the front is ridiculously small and doesn't hold Baby Lulu's car seat properly.  So, the cart is pretty unstable.  This means I have to pick out the groceries, constantly have a hold on the car seat and watch Tiny Tot at the same time.  Who is busy running around saying 'I want this Mama' and throwing random things in my cart.  TRADER JOE'S FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR NICELY STACKED JO JO COOKIE DISPLAY PLEASE GET BIGGER CARTS!!!

Anyway, I'm moving through the aisles at a pretty rapid 90 miles and hour.  I can actually see the breezing going through Tiny Tot's hair at the front of the cart.  Baby Lulu's big eyes are even bigger then usual and for once she's not screaming in public. I'm not sure if she was enjoying the ride or waiting for me to spontaneously com bust from the stress of it all.  I slow the cart briefly and Tiny chooses this moment to hop off.  I'm still moving pretty quickly and clip the back of his little heels.  Naturally he goes flying down the aisle.  He pops up immediately and yells out 'Sorry Mom Sorry.'  of course people are looking.  I calmly tell him that he needs to let me know when he's planning on hopping off so I don't mow him down.  He's busy looking at whatever intrigues a 3 year old when I'm about to move to the next aisle.  I'm trying to get his attention but naturally he's not listening.  Finally, I say 'Ok I'm leaving'  well that got his attention.  His eyes got real big and watery and he started screaming 'PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME MAMA PLEASE!'  In this terrified voice.  As if I've I'd left him before!  I was speechless!  I glanced around the aisle at the other patrons and EVERY eyeball was on me.  I swear one lady was dialing DCFS!  I'm thinking 'look lady does he look neglected?  He's dragging a $60 Little Giraffe blanket on the ground of a Trader Joe's.'  I motion him over and say 'Tiny I have never left you and never would.' Loud enough for all the lookie-e-loos to hear  I skipped the rest of my grocery list and go the hell outta there.

The Birth of 'Please Don't Pee On That'

In my life I never imagined I would ever utter the phrase 'Please don't pee on that.'  Much less be writing about it in a blog that other people would actually read.  I never actually said these words out loud until I potty trained Tiny Tot.  Potty training was a breeze.  Seriously it was.  Tiny Tot had just turned 2 and I was preggers with #2.  There was no way in hell I was changing 2 kids in diapers and the cost of diapering 2 kids had me sweating.  So, I picked a weekend and had the duty done by Sunday.  It was great!  For months and months he peed only in the potty.  Every time he said he had to go I would frantically seek out a bathroom and was then running like a wild women to it.  We never had an accident and I began to slowly let go of that constant fear that he was going to regress.  Once I began to relax he began to experiment.  It started out small and gradually progressed.  At first it was the occasional going in the bath tub.  Then I was emptying the garbage can in the bathroom only to find about 2 inches of peepee in the bottom of that.  I mean either he really had to go or I have to learn to empty the garbage more.  This little habit actually went on for weeks.  In fact every time I change the cans now I actually expect soggy tissues!  Then in the summer he began to experiment going potty outside.  (Which he learned from watching his father and which actually comes in handy when your at the park or some other place without a suitable bathroom.LOL)  Basically, what I'm saying is I only wanted him to pee outside when its convenient for me.  Am I sending the wrong message here?  He would be outside on the swing set and then next thing I'd know his pants were down and he was peeing on the swing, the slide, the bushes.  Peeing off the top of the slide or out the clubhouse window.  Lovely! I wonder what the neighbors thought?  Seeing a little boy with his pants down peeing off the top of the slide is shocking enough.  But to then see a crazy and enormously pregnant women yelling and running through the yard to deal with it  might be a little much.  No matter how many times I tried to explain how inappropriate this sort of behavior was it just didn't seem to sink in.  (Hopefully it does by next summer) Eventually, I got too tired and too busy to go out every time, so I just repeat the phrase 'boys will be boys' and pray to God this little thing is just a phase that won't land him in jail one day.  This is just one of the many idiotic things I say in my daily life.  I don't even think about it any more.  But ironically while talking to my dear friend B about a name for my blog I had to utter the very phrase 'please don't pee on that' and it just sort of seemed a perfect fit for my perfect life.  Enjoy all my random tales of Motherhood, Marriage and Job.